Sitting here trying to think of all that has transpired these last five years, my mind is like my physical vision, blurred and hazy. It actually started even before that, probably as much as eight years ago.
Why, Lord? Have you left me to figure this out alone? Is it fair that the one person who doesn't deserve to be suffering, who loves You even in his muddled mind and tender heart, has lost his way? My natural mind cries out with a heart-wrenching scream, NO! And yet, my love spends his days and nights now in a lost lonely place. Oh yes, he has visitors, family and friends, and he struggles to find memories that will tell him who they are or he sits in a blank place only he knows now. Sometimes, he looks at me and tries so hard to tell me what he wants but the words won't come or only a few words will come out that don't really tell me what he is trying to say to me.
Sometimes, there is a ray of light in the tunnel...like today, his caretakers had gotten him settled in bed for a nap, but he seemed to not be ready to go to sleep. So Pam and I talked to him a bit and he would gesture with his fingers or say a few words trying to tell us something. I picked up a cap that our son had given him and showed it to him. It has a picture of a black lab with Saluda River Pet Food Center on it and as soon as he focused on it he lifted his hand and said loudly, "Hey, Son"...it took me by surprise and I grabbed him to hug and kiss him. It startled him, poor guy didn't know what was happening. Sometimes Pam will sit at the piano and play the old hymns and we'll sing to him, he joins in with a word or two now and then, sometimes he breaks down and cries when singing Amazing Grace or Jesus, Jesus, There's Just Something About That Name. At times, he'll cry at the name of Jesus.
How precious are those moments! There are no words to describe.
With God's help I want to continue to write here some of the things I remember of the past several years, good and not so good. Maybe it will help someone who is going through the same thing. I realize I should have been doing this all along..
but I'll not dwell on that, and if you remember something about Fred that blessed you, I would love to hear about it.
I desire your prayers for both of us and our family. I know in my heart that God hears and answers our prayers, whether Yes or No or Sometime, and that no matter how long and dark the tunnel, He is there and "I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I've committed, unto Him against that day"
Till next time....
